Gayness: A Gentlemans' Agreement Broken...?

I think most men (as Kinsey studies showed) have homosexual thoughts and feelings all the time, but have "come to understand" they not talk about such thoughts and certainly do not act upon them. It's okay nowadays to joke homosexually with your buddies (aka locker room talk: "You got someone pregnant with that thing? I'd've thought you'd've needed a turkey baster!"). However, once someone "takes it seriously" the either fun is all gone or it's on (more rarely) and in either case the relationship can and does get uncomfortable fast depending on the mindsets of those involved. It's just a gray area that men are not historically very honest about and women are more honest about (seeing them braid each other's hair, comment on each other's nice physical traits, and so forth) and men have too much pride to admit.

Many, like myself, live a live of repression from fear, later come out and live deliberately and expressively "gay," and -- in my case, at least -- sometimes settle back down and stop trying to make things happen that I feel probably shouldn't happen in the first place, at least from a disctraction point of view. Baha'u'llah warned us not to get "lost in the wilderness of our desires," I have at times in my life BEEN lost to my desires and I've no desire to live that way anymore. In my case maybe I could choose a woman and it would have been just like back in the 1970s when they said someone "went through a phase."

I don't know what I am. I chose to say I was "gay" for the purposes of this site and to people in the past because when bisexuality goes to the point of a sexual preference for one's own gender that's what people call it, but I think stating such to people is slamming the door in the faces of women I otherwise might have potential with. Just because I "prefer" men doesn't mean anything by itself. It certainly doesn't mean I can't be with, and enjoy being with, a woman, because I have done. So for me the ultimate question is: can I say no to men for the rest of my life for a woman? I don't know.

In the end, a co-parenting situation might be my best bet after 45 years of marination in a super-sexualized culture where both men and women treat sex like it's a recreational sport to be had with or without love.

At least I've learned to step back and just watch and wait, for now at least, rather than try to make anything happen with anyone. I'm in a situation in my life where I don't have all that much to offer anyone and I need to deal with that. I see men pursue women when they have no jobs and no place to live, even, and women not even blink twice about saying yes, and I am frankly appalled by both. I take relationships much more seriously than that.

My father taught me sex was a present to be opened on your wedding night and raised me as a good Baha'i and then went off and died when I was 16 with me driving and nothing but a nasty, ugly world out there to look forward to until I die. I'm still trying to get over that in many ways.

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