Been Awhile! Hi!

I disappeared for a bit not because this topic is not on my mind, but because I had a major issue with the man I mentioned in a previous post. We got pretty close, but I screwed up and can't talk to him anymore. However, I am friends with another gay man (so far Platonic) and the two of them in my life together sort of threw me for a loop in different ways -- and they are related, which makes things even weirder.

It is easy, I think, for me to delude myself when I want a certain outcome. Easy to let things go I would ordinarily go apeshit over. I've found that this doesn't guarantee the outcome I want and may actually destroy my goals. I push too hard, and I pushed too hard for friends. At first I thought I had several, now I'm down to one from the McD's crew, and he is only related to someone who worked there.

NOTE: A Baha'i told me I should watch my language here, and I thought about it, but honestly his reasoning that people in Iran would point at me and say Baha'is are bad is a bit nonsensical given that Iranian Moslem law forbids Baha'i anything and I don't think they need more reason from a Western Baha'i who admits his imperfections as a human being with an occasional slur. Iranian Moslems will find another reason to torture Baha'is in Iran if it isn't me, so whatever.

I've learned from my experience at McDonald's and with the people there. I learned a lot, mostly that I am not 25 and don't think like someone who does. I thought I was emotionally stunted enough to truly be friends with some of these folks and it just didn't work out well.

I am not sure if I mentioned it but I quit drinking right before my 44th birthday and am now nearly halfway into my 45th year. I could not have done it without my Faith. My low self-esteem and so forth would have led me to death from alcohol poisoning or suicide if I hadn't had Baha'u'llah and Abdu'l-Baha in my head telling me how bad it was for me to essentially commit suicide on layaway like I was doing. It makes me angry that this nation is a drunk. It seems everywhere I turn someone is totally trashed -- my roommate still drinks constantly and that has been an interesting experience, too.

I am currently on SSI for mental health and sleep apnea, and now get to add early-onset osteroarthritis in my knees to the mix. I'm working, though, with the Ticket To Work program to find a real job. I have a bachelor's in journalism, an MSW, and have written a bunch of books on computer, network, and programming topics so I'm ready to go I just need my outlet and I cannot be on my feet constantly. I don't like being on gov't assistance but I paid for years into the system and I was coaxed into applying by others and got it. But I'm not going to use it to drink myself to death, I'm going to use it to get back into the workforce. Baha'u'llah says no man should sit and beg and I feel the need daily to work. We are worker bees by nature and need to work or we wilt.

One reason I stopped writing here was because for awhile I became "lost in the wilderness of my desires" and wanted to sort that out in my head before coming back and talking about it. I was told by a man that I should masturbate more to clear my head, and I actually tried to do it 3-4 times a day for awhile like he said he did. I can do it, but my default behavior is better -- masturbation is maybe something to help me get to sleep but other than that it shouldn't be a focus, nor should sex be one. Having sex with strangers has not worked out well in large part because it's a stupid thing to do in the first place and takes up mind space like you would not believe.

In the end I think I tend to worship new people in my life and give them more than the benefit of the doubt, even try and emulate them to some degree until I realize what works and what doesn't with my own moral compass and I am quite sure Baha'u'llah would not advocate me masturbating with all of my free time.

Okay, I knew when I started writing again I'd offload a ton, so I'm gonna stop here and start another post.

I've been told I jump topics, and no this is not completely unedited stuff here, but please remember even editors need editors, so I'm trying to focus more on content and feeling than organizational structure and so forth at this point.


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