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Letter to a Respondent

What follows is my warts-and-all reply to a Baha'i gentleman who shared his story with me. He had eventually married a Baha'i woman.

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Thank you for sharing your story. I am currently warring between wanting children and a family and how much I love men. The Universal House of Justice says now, basically, people can be attracted to many things they aren't supposed to have sex with. Having worked as a clinical social worker in a state hospital made for sexually violent predators, where it is currently accepted that attraction to children is a legitimate sexual attraction, as are bizarre attractions to feet, etc. and that we should not follow those.

The American argument about homosexuality is only because it is between legally consenting adults, and thus is technically legal. It will never be legal to marry a child in this country, at least, nor a sheep, etc., because the entire basis for the legal argument is two consenting adults have the right to do whatever they want.

The House says essentially that it's potentially a genetic tweak (other species have a roughly 15 percent homosexuality rate) that, if we hadn't been raised in a sickeningly sexualized culture and instead in a Baha'i culture, we would have no real problems following. The legality of marriage between two consenting adults in the U.S. has no bearing on whether Baha'u'llah would change his mind on whether marrying two men or two women makes sense or, like it does, carries you into a life full of tests and challenges you set your own self up for by breaking God's law. You can love another man in as much fashion as you want, just not have sex with them, and if we hadn't been (again) taught to objectify people and treat them as sexual objects from day one of puberty -- other guys guilt-tripping you into having sex as soon as possible or there's something wrong with you even if you're not ready, porno (monkey see, monkey do) -- Shoghi Effendi called HIS time a "low-water mark in spiritual history" and it has obviously just gotten worse.

Think of this: feminism has been great but has made women more sexually aggressive themselves, and "choosy," and really just made the matters with gay men and women worse because the word "gay" tries to represent in black-and-white fashion what is actually a spectrum of colors and grays, including black and white AND everything in between.

Worse, there's a perspective on MY part that woman wouldn't WANT me because I like men. And some women don't want to be seen as a gay man's "cow" to have kids with and "settle for" rather than be desired like a straight man would desire her. I feel I would in a sense be cheating a woman out of that, and I think multiple women showed my dad that. I think my dad was gay, my grandmother evidently had a gay fling, and my cousin Tracy became a man and married a woman with a legal Baha'i wedding after changing gender.

I don't want to be with someone I'm not attracted to on some level, and there are some women so I'm not a hopeless case, but that decision hasn't been made. I've been waiting for whomever to make themselves evident, regardless of gender, and see what life throws at me.

I believe in the Kinsey studies (90 percent of men had either thought of being with or have been with another man) and that because a lot of men flat-out deny attraction for other men they do have, however minimal, only the sore thumbs like you and I stick out. If other men started being more honest about their own sexuality we would have a much better picture of how diverse sexuality is as a human trait and, as a human trait, how could we NOT expect it to be diverse, and have diversions? It happens in animals, we are animals PLUS a piece of the divine, we are taught to deny our animal instincts, attraction to another man should be ignored just like sexual attraction to a child or animal or any other, whether it's two legal-age adults or not, from a moral perspective.
I think in the future we'll find there is a genetic link and we may be able to genetically "weed it out" in humanity, but sexuality will always be as diverse as any other human trait and humankind is just going to have to get used to it and get over it.

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Morose

I don't celebrate my homosexuality, I hate it. I look at it as a tragic tweak, be it genetic or whatever, that separates me from a life I want. I look at it as a monumental "problem with women" that I just can't get past and my future -- I'm already damned near 45 -- looks like one round of unrequited love that shouldn't exist after another that I harbor internally and torment myself over until my life is over.

Surrogate mother? Where? And with what millions? I can't afford glasses or a new front tooth.

Straight folks shouldn't take for granted how lucky they are.