I have a colleague who is in his mid-twenties and gorgeous. I don't hit on the poor guy like I could because I know it's wrong because he's straight and has a girlfriend -- and I was 19 when he was born. He mentioned friends and how he turns into a little boy when they're around, and it made me think of how I've got friends scattered across the nation, but so far only one, maybe two friends in Washington and I've been here nearly two years now. It makes me sad to come home from work and be alone.

I don't want to go to gay bars; firstly, Baha'u'llah helped me destroy my drinking habit completely (9 months now). So, I don't particularly want to be around drinking/drunken people, and in any case gay bars are full-on meat markets and not particularly the best way to make friends, at least for me. I usually arrive alone and leave alone anyway. Back when I did go to bars. I'd get some Matchbox 20 "Push" action on the jukebox and sing my buzzed butt off, then typically go home lonely and with less cash. And probably driving over the legal blood alcohol limit, a fact that I am not proud of. I tried to live close to my bar, at least -- making life decisions such as where to live based on alcoholism made total sense, naturally. I had a couple incidents driving so drunk across Indianapolis that I was seeing double to go to a bath house and do almost nothing with anyone due to paranoia and leave alone and more broke, so even living near a bar didn't help much. I'm a social wreck and in a way I think that's why I communicate so well via text; I don't have to look somebody in the eyes, which is a very powerful and scary experience sometimes.

I haven't really let myself listen to music in years. Not since I had to turn in my 2008 BMW 128i in 2009 -- I've been carl-ess since and frankly miserable as a result. But when I do listen to music it touches my soul, sometimes in places I don't want it touched. I accidentally heard "Gone Away" by The Offspring and thought instantly of my dad. Something's blocked up in me. I used to go to sleep listening to music, I used to play guitar for an hour a day -- I used to do so many things I won't do now, for whatever reason. Singing is important to my soul and I never do it. Again, something's blocked up -- maybe because I resent myself for not singing. I don't know. I was told today to join a men's choir in Olympia, maybe I should look into that. Better place to meet people?

Comments are welcome. Hey, I wrote more here than I have in weeks. Good for me!

I edited a bit. If you see something horribly wrong, lemme know.


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