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Blind

I should apologize for being morose in some posts. This blog is about me dealing with what I consider an affliction of an abnormal sexuality preference that I can do nothing about. Nothing can take it from me. It's like being born blind, but to the opposite sex, not to sight. So says science, so says the Faith.

Some Baha'is want to be considered different, which is not what the Faith is about. We're about unity.

U.S. law will help Americans accept that gays exist and can't be altered or discriminated against. That's a good thing. Baha'is will never marry gays and married gays will lose their voting rights and pilgrimage rights if they don't divorce ultimately.

I have the choice between living a life I want with another man and being honest about it and losing my rights (not doing this now or I wouldn't be so bloody lonely, at least), lying about it and just moving on, or living celibate. Shitty choices.

Another Response To A Reader

Another response my original article of the standard "this Faith seems like it's for me but it doesn't accept gay marriage" hue:

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Baha'is believe, and science has proven, that sexuality is diverse and can afflict some unfortunate desires upon some people, and worse it's to varying degrees, so only those people who truly feel they can't be with the opposite sex "stick out" in our society when sexuality is much more diverse than that -- how can it not be as diverse as every other human trait is? And how can it not be capable of being screwed up, like every other human trait is?

The only real difference between say pedophilia and homosexuality is being attracted to adults, which makes it legal. Legality doesn't make it useful to mankind in a way that would mean marrying two people of the same sex. I think it's great that it's legal by law so that acceptance of us as people, but marriage is and always was to keep straight inher…

Resentment

I resent being born broken. Every step seems a trudge under massive weight.

"Solving The Baha'i Gay Problem"

A Baha'i society is the only thing that can solve the problem. Being raised in a sexed up culture just puts us all on the wrong feet to begin with, so our understanding is very limited. Kinsey studies found anonyously that 90 percent of men had either thought of being with or had been with another man -- another problem is the men that won't admit such. Only the sore thumbs stick out and anyone who can go with a woman does and keeps their part of the spectrum hidden, so there seems to be just "straight" and "gay" when really there's everything in between.

I just don't believe Baha'is will ever marry gay Baha'is, and I really don't think they should.

Letter to a Respondent

What follows is my warts-and-all reply to a Baha'i gentleman who shared his story with me. He had eventually married a Baha'i woman.

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Thank you for sharing your story. I am currently warring between wanting children and a family and how much I love men. The Universal House of Justice says now, basically, people can be attracted to many things they aren't supposed to have sex with. Having worked as a clinical social worker in a state hospital made for sexually violent predators, where it is currently accepted that attraction to children is a legitimate sexual attraction, as are bizarre attractions to feet, etc. and that we should not follow those.

The American argument about homosexuality is only because it is between legally consenting adults, and thus is technically legal. It will never be legal to marry a child in this country, at least, nor a sheep, etc., because the entire basis for the legal argument is two consenting adults have …

Morose

I don't celebrate my homosexuality, I hate it. I look at it as a tragic tweak, be it genetic or whatever, that separates me from a life I want. I look at it as a monumental "problem with women" that I just can't get past and my future -- I'm already damned near 45 -- looks like one round of unrequited love that shouldn't exist after another that I harbor internally and torment myself over until my life is over.

Surrogate mother? Where? And with what millions? I can't afford glasses or a new front tooth.

Straight folks shouldn't take for granted how lucky they are.

Baha'i Obligatory Prayer

As Baha'is know, we have a daily obligatory prayer we are supposed to say. We can say the short, long, or medium versions (at noon, at night, and thrice a day, respectively) using our discretion. My uncle says he'd better say the noon version or he's forced to do the long version (the medium requires a morning prayer), but I can say I'm horrible at doing any of them right now, although that hasn't always been the case. Why the choice? My personal view is that Baha'u'llah said His laws applied to the whole world -- Muslims who love the daily prayer and become Baha'is would probably actually gravitate towards the Long or Medium versions because they were raised that way, whereas Western Baha'is raised in Judeo-Christian "pray on your knees at night" households.

I've performed, and I mean performed, the Long version a couple times in my life as best I could -- it includes a lot of movements I can't do holding the book very well, and p…

On Gay Marriage

Here's an email I wrote to a non-Baha'i man wanting to marry another. He said he didn't see what the whole "permission" thing was about and wanted to know the score because his Baha'i partner wanted a wedding.

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Hi [REDACTED],

You won't get Baha'is to marry you. The closest you'll get is to throw in the only Baha'i vow in at whatever ceremony you have: "We all, verily, will abide by the will of God."

Re: permission -- Baha'is are about unity and getting permission from our parents to marry promotes family unity. I did so once (didn't get married after all) via a letter to my estranged mom we started talking again. Another reason could be that if your parents say no, maybe they're right --  don't forget that 50 percent of marriages fail in this nation. Or, maybe you need to talk to parents about their concerns more. Sometimes parents can be cruel and say "no" to hurt you and in…

Update and Thoughts On Sodomy

AdSense rejected me until I get more content and organize it, so work in progress.

I figured I'd post something on topic, too; I have been thinking how straight society has pretty much absolved itself (sans some Catholics) from being "guilty" of sodomy, which includes oral and anal sex, but homosexuals are somehow wrong for engaging in the same behavior. Perhaps this apparent dichotomy is because sex should only be between a married man and a woman according to them -- Baha'u'llah says the same so I might have to just get over this one. I don't know the specifics of what "kind" of sex is banned in the Faith, however. Anyone who knows such can feel free to comment.

Lightning

What do you think about eye contact? Do you get it powerfully only from the opposite sex? When I look in someone's eyes, sometimes I can feel/see a powerful connection regardless of their sexuality. Children must at least stare at you; they do it to me and I stare back and widen my eyes maniacally and they love it.

Eye connection is very powerful -- kids download info from their parents using it, according to Dr. Pat Romano-McGraw's It's Not Your Fault: How Healing Relationships Change Your Brain And Help Overcome A Painful Past -- I highly recommend read it if you haven't.

Anyhow, I call it "lightning," and I'm getting it with this guy; we stared at each other over the restaurant for a few seconds and I had to break so he wouldn't think I was in love with him. He has blue/green eyes (I asked which, he said "both, with some gold"), beautiful long lashes, and he's got a girlfriend and stepson in addition to being clearly straight -- in ad…
I have a colleague who is in his mid-twenties and gorgeous. I don't hit on the poor guy like I could because I know it's wrong because he's straight and has a girlfriend -- and I was 19 when he was born. He mentioned friends and how he turns into a little boy when they're around, and it made me think of how I've got friends scattered across the nation, but so far only one, maybe two friends in Washington and I've been here nearly two years now. It makes me sad to come home from work and be alone.

I don't want to go to gay bars; firstly, Baha'u'llah helped me destroy my drinking habit completely (9 months now). So, I don't particularly want to be around drinking/drunken people, and in any case gay bars are full-on meat markets and not particularly the best way to make friends, at least for me. I usually arrive alone and leave alone anyway. Back when I did go to bars. I'd get some Matchbox 20 "Push" action on the jukebox and sing my …
Hi! Yes, I'm gay and a Baha'i. Yes, I talk to cats. And dogs, and squirrels (I call them "chitterbugs").

I wrote an article a few years ago on a Facebook  group, posted it after it got serious attention to Susan Gammage's site, and have heard from a Ukrainian who didn't know gay Baha'is existed as well as heard many stories after posting the article (I give my e-mail at the end of the article -- if I haven't replied, hit me again, please!) and I am now starting a blog based on it. I am re-posting the article here.

To be clear: "Allah 'u' Abha [in the below article] differs from "Allah 'u' Akbar," which Muslims say; we are saying "God is Glorious" and they are saying "God is Great" -- Baha'is are differentiating ourselves deliberately from Islam as a separate, distinct Faith.* "Baha'u'llah," whom Baha'is follow, means "Glory of God," as in "I will return in the…