I don't celebrate my homosexuality, I hate it. I look at it as a tragic tweak, be it genetic or whatever, that separates me from a life I want. I look at it as a monumental "problem with women" that I just can't get past and my future -- I'm already damned near 45 -- looks like one round of unrequited love that shouldn't exist after another that I harbor internally and torment myself over until my life is over.
Surrogate mother? Where? And with what millions? I can't afford glasses or a new front tooth.
Straight folks shouldn't take for granted how lucky they are.
I disappeared for a bit not because this topic is not on my mind, but because I had a major issue with the man I mentioned in a previous post. We got pretty close, but I screwed up and can't talk to him anymore. However, I am friends with another gay man (so far Platonic) and the two of them in my life together sort of threw me for a loop in different ways -- and they are related, which makes things even weirder.
It is easy, I think, for me to delude myself when I want a certain outcome. Easy to let things go I would ordinarily go apeshit over. I've found that this doesn't guarantee the outcome I want and may actually destroy my goals. I push too hard, and I pushed too hard for friends. At first I thought I had several, now I'm down to one from the McD's crew, and he is only related to someone who worked there.
NOTE: A Baha'i told me I should watch my language here, and I thought about it, but honestly his reasoning that people in Iran would point at me and say …
I have a colleague who is in his mid-twenties and gorgeous. I don't hit on the poor guy like I could because I know it's wrong because he's straight and has a girlfriend -- and I was 19 when he was born. He mentioned friends and how he turns into a little boy when they're around, and it made me think of how I've got friends scattered across the nation, but so far only one, maybe two friends in Washington and I've been here nearly two years now. It makes me sad to come home from work and be alone.
I don't want to go to gay bars; firstly, Baha'u'llah helped me destroy my drinking habit completely (9 months now). So, I don't particularly want to be around drinking/drunken people, and in any case gay bars are full-on meat markets and not particularly the best way to make friends, at least for me. I usually arrive alone and leave alone anyway. Back when I did go to bars. I'd get some Matchbox 20 "Push" action on the jukebox and sing my …